Twitter Fail Whale

25 September 2009

Notes for a Screenplay: If Real Life Were Like Twitter…

by Freddy Tran Nager, Founder of Atomic Tango + Guy Who Wonders Why He’s Still On Twitter…


  • One guy is following another guy really closely. “I’m following you, so just follow me back, OK, OK, just follow me, please follow me, follow follow…”
  • A woman goes from desk to desk while people try to ignore her, “I’m off to lunch right now… I’m off to lunch right now… I’m off to lunch right now…”
  • Another guy claims “I’m following 2,000 people!” Show a massive crowd all chattering away at the same time, with no individual voice standing out.
  • A movie starlet in shades speaks: “I’m a famous person on Twitter. Let’s follow each other!” The starlet walks away and we see her assistant still talking in her voice.
  • A Persian guy addresses a crowd, “And in Iran, my people are being persecuted at this very moment…” Just then, someone runs in and says, “More news about Michael Jackson!” and the crowd runs off after him.
  • A groupie wearing a TechCrunch T-shirt is weeping and laughing at the same time, “I love Twitter, I just love Twitter, I want to marry Twitter, I want to have Twitter’s babies, Twitter should get the NOBEL PRIZE!!!”
  • A slutty woman goes up to all the guys, “Hi, I’m Lola29871. Want to see my pictures?” Then she freezes. A Russian mobster runs in, “Just a second,” pushes a button, and she keeps going and going and going…
  • A dude in his boxers and wife beater T-shirt is telling everyone, “I made $300 a day just working from home! Want to learn how you can make $400 a day just working from home? Really, you can make $500 a day…”
  • The lunch woman from earlier is again going from desk to desk while people try to ignore her, “I’m back from lunch now… I’m back from lunch now… I’m back from lunch now…”
  • A girl is gossiping, “RT Jane said this is really cool. RT SocialStud said to check out this link. RT Luis said it’s not true. RT AndyG said you can make $600 a day working from home. RT MichaelZ said…”
  • One serious nerd states, “RT @smith Check out https://… #getalife LOL WTF”
  • A hippie/New Age dude spouts, “If you do good things, good things will happen to you… Love is not something you take, it’s something you give… Smiles are for sharing…”
  • Man: “I’m an expert.”
  • Woman: “I’m a visionary.”
  • Another man: “I’m a guru.”
  • Another woman: “I’m a thought leader!”
  • A young guy in a tie proudly proclaims, “I have 30,000 followers!” then we see his following of zombies all chanting “spam spam spam spam spam spam spam…”
  • A group of extremely corporate types huddles together awkwardly. “Why are we here?” “Because they said if we don’t get on Twitter, we’ll go out of business.” “Who’s they?” “You know, they.” “Does this mean we have to actually talk to our customers?” They look at each other and scream.
  • Two geeks in T-shirts and jeans smile at the camera. First geek, “Hi, we created Twitter.” Second geek, “We have no idea how to make money with it.” First geek, “But we think it’s worth…” Together, “ONE BILLION DOLLARS! Bwa-ha-ha-haaa…”
  • One earnest, intelligent young woman stands and says, “This is very important. I just learned that–”
    And WHAM! The Fail Whale falls on her.


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Freddy is the Founder & Creative Strategist of Atomic Tango. He also teaches graduate-level marketing communication courses at the University of Southern California (go Trojans!), shoots pool somewhat adequately, and herds cats. Freddy received his BA from Harvard and his MBA from USC.

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14 years ago

hahahahaha, so true and so funny.

Michael Bean
Michael Bean
14 years ago

Hehe, you’re like me Freddy. Not at all sold on the BS hype that is Twitter. So annoying being in a masters program centered around ‘communication in the digital media age’…far too many ‘colleagues’ wanting to just blindly gush about the tool’s societal importance. Can’t wait for it to inevitably fade to black.

Well done, comical read.