by Freddy J. Nager, Founder of Atomic Tango LLC & Business Lit Connoisseur

Note: The following is meant to be satirical. The author has no affiliation with the Harvard Business Review or any idea what its editors could possibly be thinking.

HBR: Gettin' in touch with a new generation of business readers.

For 88 years, the Harvard Business Review has been the authoritative voice of critical business thinkers, featuring such legendary thought leaders as Peter Drucker, Theordore Levitt and Michael Porter, and popularizing such paradigm-shattering concepts as the glass ceiling, marketing myopia and the balanced scorecard.

Well, enough of that…

We, the new generation of editors at Harvard Business Review, have concluded that critical, cutting-edge business thinking is, like, so 20th century. Who’s got the attention span for that anymore? Imagine today’s business titans taking time to read groundbreaking articles that require thinking… Could billionaire entrepreneur and Harvard alum Mark Zuckerberg adequately explore privacy loopholes if he were contemplating long-term sustainable competitive advantage? Would the words “long-term sustainable competitive advantage” even fit in a Facebook update?

Or consider the bankers of Goldman Sachs, many of them Harvard MBAs. What’s the purpose of having them learn about the impact of corporate social responsibility on brand equity if there’s no way to short it?

As the self-proclaimed social media gurus say — and we’re big followers of self-proclaimed social media gurus — what’s most important is doing what your customers want because, according to the gurus, customers know everything. Customers are never wrong. Customers can see the future and determine what’s best for the world at large. Our customers are primarily business leader wannabes, and from our extensive studies (using Twitter search), we learned that what our customers want most is pith. Great pith. Pith that can fit into 140 characters or less.

So, after much deliberation involving multiple case studies (cases of Sam Adams Boston Lager, to be exact), we the new generation of HBR editors have decided to punt the in-depth, statistically substantiated studies written by PhD’s and veteran business executives. Hey, don’t blame us — we tried publishing those, and a bunch of know-it-all bloggers complained that they were too hard to read. True, we could have edited those articles to make them readable, but that would have required reading them, and they’re too hard to read. Plus, what editor does editing these days?

Instead, we turned to specialists in addressing high school business 101 students and members of the Greater Wasilla Chamber of Commerce. We’re talking consultants, of course. You may have seen one of our recent posts, “Two Rules for a Successful Presentation,” which contained this earth-shattering insight: “know thy audience.” What pith! And note the cleverness of the word “thy,” which is the author’s way of acknowledging that this bit of wisdom is 2,000 years old, give or take a millennium.

In addition, we’re staying fresh with a new generation of business leaders — leaders raised on “Legally Blonde” and the lyrics of Justin Timberlake — by hiring columnists who speak their language. Consider the “Awesomeness Manifesto,” in which the author says innovation is dead, and that the only thing that matters is being “awesome.” See, no thinking required!

Along these lines, we’re publishing the following articles in coming issues:

• The Third Rule Of Public Speaking: Don’t Forget To Wear Pants
• Terrific Smelling Hair + Other Keys To Boardroom Success
• Today’s CEO: Bringing Sexy Back
• Effective Corporate Communication Is, Like, Whatever
• Money Lets You Buy Things
• and our favorite actual quote from the recent SXSW conference:
  We Spend Most Of Our Lives Living Among Other People

If you have any ideas for articles, please let us know on Twitter (@HarvardBiz), since, you know, we value customer input and don’t like to read anything longer than a tweet.

One final change: We, the new generation of HBR editors, realize that most of these articles aren’t really about business. Rather, they cover the kind of basic etiquette and concepts once taught on PBS children’s programming before all public broadcasting was sold to News Corp. Since authenticity is so du jour, we’ve decided to be totally authentic and rename our august publication the Harvard Obviousness Review, or HOR. Catchy, no? You’ll still find the name Harvard Business Review on our website and other media, since strategic rebranding is, like, the kind of smart practical advice we don’t do anymore.

Happy reading, dudes!

Related Articles:

• Enough With The Fluff! A Recession Is No Time For Management B.S.!
• Why I Won’t Get A PhD: Exhibit 1A
• The Young Professor: How To Get Published
• Marketing Mix-Up: Being Treated Like Lois Lane
• Ivory Towers Vs Empty Calories: The Best And Worst Of Business Publishing

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder of Atomic Tango & “Bank Run” Consigliere

Full Disclosure: The following post is about one of my clients at Atomic Tango…

Imagine waking up and finding yourself strapped to a chair. Standing over you is a strange man swinging a large golf club. He keeps asking you menacing questions, but you have no idea what he’s talking about. Frustrated by your lack of answers, he decides to take a massive swing at a spot right between your eyes… How do you escape?

Well, there’s an App for that…

More exactly, there’s an iPhone App and an interactive movie. “Bank Run” is an Apple iPhone game with actual video footage — not CGI characters, but real humans in real locations. In addition, it’s integrated with a free interactive movie at BankRunGame.com.

In “Bank Run,” you play Evan, an office drone caught up in a conspiracy involving hot secret agents, crooked bankers and an army of armed thugs. You have to dodge cars and bullets while deciding whom to trust and whom to kill. Make the wrong choice or the wrong move and Evan eats it — but you can hone your skills and try again.

“Bank Run” is the creation of my client SilkTricky, a Portland, Oregon-based digital agency that launched its first live-action interactive film, “The Outbreak,” in September 2008. (Which I also helped promote.) “The Outbreak” featured rampaging zombies, bloodied characters and viewers in charge. Fueled by reviews on blogs and social media, “The Outbreak” attracted over one million views during its eight-month run online.

“The reaction to ‘The Outbreak’ inspired us to go even further,” said Chris Lund, SilkTricky’s founder and writer/editor/director/effects artist. “Bank Run” was filmed in Portland with local actors. Lund won’t reveal the budget, but noted that “it cost a little less than ‘Avatar.’” He added, “Our goal wasn’t to make a cinematic classic, but to create a fun fantasy experience. There are some cheesy one-liners and over-the-top scenarios, but who wants to play a boring movie?”

Just another day at the evil multinational bank...

SilkTricky is hosting the first part of “Bank Run” online where it can be sampled freely. The experience continues on the iPhone with a $1.99 App that includes the second half of the movie and a couple of arcade-style shooter games. Both the movie and the game contain graphic violence and adult language — or approximately what you’d find at your typical evil multinational bank. And like any bank loan officer, Lund hopes that interest runs high…

Update 3/15/10: “Bank Run” scores Site of the Day honors at the FWA.

Related Article: “The Outbreak”: New Zombie Flick Brings Interactive Films Back From The Dead

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder of Atomic Tango LLC and Marketing Demonologist

"And the most horrifying part was that I only got paid $500 to star in a movie that's made over $100 million!"

It was brilliant. Not the film, but the marketing campaign that turned a $15,000 amateur horror flick into a $100 million box office smash. The problem? Serious anticipointment…

Last night I finally saw “Paranormal Activity.” I wanted to see it the day it opened in L.A. but was trapped in my own personal nightmare: grading midterms. (I love teaching, but grading? The horror, the horror…)

The numerous stories about the film’s success and its clever promotional tactics made it mandatory viewing for someone who blogs about marketing and media. Plus, my filmmaker buddy Dane Boedigheimer and I have been planning a low-budget horror flick. We both wanted to see what made this one click.

So after teaching viral video strategy in my class at Antioch L.A., DaneBoe and I hit the nearly deserted Century City mall. Want to know what’s really scary? This economy. An upscale mall on a Monday night is a true ghost town.

And that was part of the problem: the theater was also nearly empty. We counted eight entire living humans, including ourselves, in this screening. Normally, I prefer to watch movies with very few others, since people tend to distract me — particularly those who think a movie theater is, like, totally the bestest place to chat with their BF’s. But “Paranormal Activity” is a movie that screams out for a crowd: just like a live sporting event, the communal reaction is part of the entertainment. And last night, the six other people in the audience barely uttered more than a couple of gasps. This meant that we had to focus entirely on the film for our thrills. That’s a tall order for most movies. Perhaps too tall for one that’s been overhyped.

“Anticipointment” is one of my favorite neologisms of the past decade. I first read it in Wired magazine back when Wired was printed on paper thick as tortillas and graphically designed by spidermonkeys on LSD. Anticipointment is that feeling you get after experiencing something that’s been hyped to a hyperventilating degree; the result almost always falls short of your expectations. Kind of like most Academy Award Best Pictures, BCS Championships, halftime shows and gourmet food trucks.

“Paranormal Activity” was no exception. Sure, it delivered chills and starts. Anything that involves unexplained noises, unwelcome night visitors and unexpected things that go BOOM! usually does. But it was also highly repetitious, with night after night of watching amateur video about strange footsteps and moving doors.

On a more fundamental level, basing a horror movie on a “discovered” amateur video has now been officially done to death: “Blair Witch Project” made it buzz-worthy; “Cloverfield” gave it the big-budget Hollywood treatment; “Paranormal Activity” has hopefully buried it.

Abnormal Activity

The biggest challenge facing many horror filmmakers is not creating believable ghosts or monsters: it’s creating believable people.

“Paranormal Activity” features two people who might as well be zombies for all the ingenuity — and basic instinct — they apply to their predicament. There’s a demon in our house? Let’s just keep yelling, “What was that?!” and “Who’s there?!” In a moment of panic? Don’t forget to grab the camcorder. Confronted by supernatural evil? No problem — just research it on the Internet. Who needs an exorcist? Google will save us!

Seriously parannoying.

Not once did this couple try anything to combat their unwelcome visitor — no priests, no prayers, no cans of Raid. More beguiling, they didn’t even try to leave the house! There’s some vague warning that “you cannot run from this, it will follow you”… but wouldn’t most people say, oh what the hell, let’s give fleeing a shot? You know, let’s go to a Denny’s, find an open church, or check into a major hotel where we’re surrounded by hundreds of other people and can order some room service… “Hello, front desk? Could you send some raw garlic and a carafe of holy water to room 666?”

Instead, despite having a malevolent entity visit their bedroom every single night — once even trying to drag the woman away — this couple repaired to the same bed and fell asleep at the same time without fail. I suffer more insomnia just thinking about what’s happened to my USC Trojans football team. This couple should be doing ads for sleeping pills: “Got demons? Try Nytol…”

Consequently, not once did the film get my heart racing or make me break a sweat — like a great football game will. (Last year’s Super Bowl nearly sent me into cardiac arrest.) Sure, “Paranormal Activity” had its moments, and I confess peering suspiciously into the shadows when I took out the garbage after midnight, but I didn’t lose a bit of sleep. The imagery from the otherwise silly film “The Ring” haunted me more, and nothing creeps me out like David Lynch at his best. (If Lynch ever decides to direct a pure horror film… watch out.)

So This is Where The Genius Bit Comes In

Got an average horror flick on your hands? Time for some business as unusual.

Paramount sat on this film for two years trying to figure out what to do with it. And let me just say that no one does marketing better than Hollywood. Given two years, they came up with a campaign that could raise the dead.

Rather then spend millions advertising a small film in jaded major-media markets, Paramount seeded “Paranormal Activity” with midnight-only screenings in a dozen college towns. The time of night, combined with the relative quiet and darkness of college towns and campuses, enhanced the effect.

More importantly, the college audience was perfect:

• They’re old enough to see an R-rated movie.
• They have an appetite for horror and cult films.
• They enjoy group activities at night.
• They’re the same age as the couple in the movie.
• They’re not long separated from the years when they were afraid of the dark — some might still be.
• For the first time, most are not living in the comfort of their family home.
• They’re too young to have seen “The Exorcist” (a truly great demon film).
• Above all, they’re extremely web savvy and social. Let the word-of-mouth begin!

If “Paranormal Activity” had failed at this low-cost test, then it could have quietly gone straight to DVD and late night Cinemax. But it succeeded. The buzz turned into a roar. Paramount then tapped Eventful.com — a site normally used to promote rock concerts — to have young people “demand” the film open in their cities. This ploy alone created fodder for the media.

The result: “Paranormal Activity” beat out “Saw VI” to hit No. 1 at the box office, scored over $100 million in ticket sales and counting — and created some heavy doses of anticipointment in us latecomers.

Serial Thrilling: The Horror of Sequels

Of course, this much money entices Hollywood to make sequels. The challenge in any movie genre is making a sequel that lives up to the first. In the case of “Blair Witch Project” and “Paranormal Activity,” the kick of a “discovered” amateur video is that the audience gets to pretend it’s real. Sequels make it difficult for even the most impassioned fan to enter that mindset again — witness the disaster that was “Blair Witch 2.”

I also suspect other horror movies will try seeding the college market and tapping Eventful.com. Those tactics might work again, but they won’t generate the media coverage granted to the first marketer who does something.

And, yes, there’s talk of a “Paranormal Activity” sequel. Hopefully, it’s subtitled “Leaving the Bedroom Already.” I’m also hoping that, next time, all that creativity devoted to marketing will be used to make a truly killer film.

My friend and primo YouTube dude Kevin “Nalts” Nalty just let loose his take on social media. He calls his article “The Stupidest,” but I found it way more insightful than most of the tripe posing as social media advice.

I particularly found it timely, since it came on a day when many Twitterphiles were twitterbating about Tony Robbins at their conference. Yes, that’s right, self-help evangelists and social media junkies in one room together: the apocalypse is nigh. Break out the roach motels.

Anyway, here’s Nalts. Indulge…

The Stupidest Article About Social Media Ever

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"My hit HBO series is over, and my stock portfolio is worth dirt, and you're telling me to 'be resilient'?!"

Pass the paper bag, I’ve got emotion sickness.

I’m perusing Harvard Business Publishing’s website, and a headline snags my eye: “Use the Downtown to Your Advantage“. Hmm, that sounds compelling. What kind of killer advice could the gurus of Harvard Business bestow upon us mere mortals?

What I subsequently read makes my eyes roll like rubber dice on a craps table in a 6.7 earthquake.

The author, leadership consultant John Baldoni, had read a Wall Street Journal interview of Macy’s CEO John Lundgren. Baldoni then decided to relay the managerial lessons he drew from it. The result: an article filled with more hot air than a Rush Limbaugh balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. The lessons could be summed up in three quotes. Brace yourself for ‘em:

• “Make tough choices. Now is the time to get rid of anything and everything that does not add value to the bottom line.”
• “Look for the up and comers. When times are flat or in a downturn, look for new ideas. Challenge your best and brightest to make suggestions…”
• “Live resilience… Good leaders use these opportunities to describe what is going right as well as what is going wrong.”

Now some people are probably saying, Freddy, you’re way too freakin’ harsh. What’s wrong with that advice, cynic boy? It all sounds reasonable…

Sure it all sounds reasonable, but as business professionals, we should have higher standards for Harvard Business Publishing articles — indeed, any business articles — than reasonableness. Here’s my beef:

1. This article’s vague and generalized advice could — and should — apply to good times as well as bad. When does a manager not cut waste, look for new ideas, or point out what’s working and what’s not? Jack Welch preached the same kind of advice at GE back when the economy was hot. Those are practices that a CEO should perform all the time.

2. Is that advice for a multinational business, a family household, a community theatre company, or a team on “The Apprentice”? It could be any of the above — it’s that generic.

3. In a CEO profile from Harvard Business Publishing, I expect specific, concrete tactics, not inspirational pablum. This is the kind of article I would expect in Reader’s Digest targeting Avon distributors.

4. This article is supposed to tell you how to actually THRIVE in a recession. Note the word “advantage.” Businesses are wallowing in quicksand out here, and “live resilience” is supposed to help them get a leg up?

So what do I want to see in a CEO profile entitled “Use the Downtown to Your Advantage”?

How about specific strategies in a hurting industry, such as fashion retail?

• How is John Lundgren responding to fire sales by his competitors? When Saks offers 70% discounts, potentially luring away traditional Macy’s shoppers, does he recommend offering similar discounts, boosting advertising, or some combination of both? What does he think of Abercrombie & Fitch’s refusal to discount and suffering huge sales declines in the process, yet preserving their brand for a broader economic rebound?

• Would he consider cross-promotions with companies outside of his industry, but similar in brand position, such as Starbucks, Virgin America or Cadillac? If no, why not? If yes, what works and what doesn’t?

• What were his criteria for closing down the Macy’s stores in certain markets? When he laid off employees, did he favor seniority or “up and comers”? As he was closing down stores in L.A., did he consider concurrent expansion to thriving cities overseas, such as Shanghai, Moscow or Rio?

In other words, give me scenarios, deep insights and hard tactics based on singular real world experience.

Imagine reading a magazine on professional football coaching written by pro football coaches for pro football coaches. You come across an article by an NFL head coach on how to turn around a bad season. But rather than provide game-time strategies or player substitution tips, the coach says, “Make tough choices. Look for ideas. And be resilient.” How many of his peers do you think would say, “Gee, I never thought of that…”?

And yet, that’s essentially what Harvard Business Publishing is perpetrating here. It’s a quintessential example of what another business writer, Matthew Stewart, derides in his much more perspicacious article, “The Management Myth” published in The Atlantic.  Stewart founded and ran a management consulting firm that grew to 600 employees, but he detests management literature, describing it as a “collection of quasi-religious dicta on the virtue of being good at what you do, ensconced in a protective bubble of parables (otherwise known as case studies).”

See, I’m not the only cynic in business.

What also bugs me about flimsy articles like “Use the Downtown to Your Advantage” is that they serve mostly to provide reassurance. What’s wrong with that? We could all use an emotional boost in tough times, right? True, but the advice in articles like this is so limp, commonplace and obvious, even bad managers practice most of it. That enables the self-serving weasel who just received a government bailout to say, “Oh, hey, I do all that! I’m a brilliant manager! Now where’s my bonus?”

Notes Matthew Stewart:

“If it’s reminiscent of the kind of toothless wisdom offered in self-help literature, that’s because management theory is mostly a subgenre of self-help. Which isn’t to say it’s completely useless. But just as most people are able to lead fulfilling lives without consulting Deepak Chopra, most managers can probably spare themselves an education in management theory.”

Here’s a Hollywood metaphor (bear with me, I live in L.A.): Such vapid articles are like the therapy that Tony Soprano received from Dr. Melfi before she realized she was simply validating his sociopathic behavior. Vague reassurances and generic advice make the recipients feel good, but they don’t help ‘em get any better.

*****

Shameless Plug: For B.S.-free business consultation, contact Atomic Tango.

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Hollywood is experiencing a “Freaky Friday” that’s lasting all summer — and perhaps beyond.

In the 1976 movie “Freaky Friday,” a mother and daughter magically swap bodies. After a series of icky moments milked for laughs, they predictably come to understand and respect each other.

Now, unpredictably, the entire movie industry is experiencing a similar switcheroo.

A-list celebrities are failing to lure fans to the box office, while top movies are starring relatively unknown actors. Writes the L.A. Times:

“The stars are not twinkling bright this summer. Hollywood’s movie studios, hopeful that marquee-name actors would push their summer box-office receipts to record levels, are finding that the heavyweights aren’t winning over audiences like they used to. With all but a couple of big-budget films already opened, the summer of 2009 is shaping up to be one of the worst on record for Hollywood’s A-list talent… The brightest stars of the lucrative popcorn season — which typically accounts for about 40% of annual ticket sales — instead have turned out to be mostly movies with no-name actors — or no actors at all on screen.”

Eddie Murphy, John Travolta, Will Ferrell, Jack Black and Denzel Washington all bombed at the box office this summer. The biggest hits have been the far less star-studded films “The Hangover,” “Up,” “Star Trek,” “Harry Potter” and “Transformers 2.” (OK, I’ll give credit to Megan Fox for drawing some fans to watch giant toys fight.)

Scene from Ionesco's "The Chairs," starring Cynthia Mance and Bo Roberts, now playing at City Garage Theatre.

Then there’s the L.A. live theatre scene, the poor stepchild of the movies.

Most theatre actors here don’t get paid, and the budget for marketing an entire play is less than what one movie spends on a single day’s makeup. I know because I serve on the board of directors for City Garage, a small playhouse known for staging risky, experimental productions by such playwrights as Ionesco, Muller and Mee. The theatre contains 48 seats, and on a good night, we manage to fill half of them. Meanwhile, just a few steps away, Santa Monica’s thriving Third Street Promenade spills over with shoppers and moviegoers who wouldn’t attend a play if you paid them…

Unless there’s a celebrity involved.

French Stewart and Laurie Metcalf in "Voice Lessons"

Here in L.A., you can catch TV and film stars in theatres across town, even small houses. For example, I recently saw French Stewart (“3rd Rock from the Sun”) and Laurie Metcalf (“Roseanne”) in “Voice Lessons” at the small Zephyr Theatre. The show was repeatedly sold out and even extended, and the L.A. Times reviewer went gaga over it. I enjoyed it — the actors were hilarious — but the one-hour play felt like a live sitcom: funny but not provocative, and with very little blocking or stagecraft.

Annete Bening goes Greek

Elsewhere, you can find Chris Noth (“Sex and the City”) at the Geffen Playhouse, Bill Pullman and Julia Stiles in David Mamet’s “Oleanna,” and later this year, Annette Bening as Medea at UCLA. You know Medea — the Greek woman who kills her child after her husband leaves her for a younger woman. Great date night show. But I suspect Bening will draw even young people to this Greek tragedy. Audiences want to see celebrities in person, and theatre gives them an opportunity to see stars performing live, often up close in intimate spaces.

And don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining about any of this. I also like to watch celebrities perform live. In fact, I’d like to make a proposal that would make financial sense for all involved:

Let the celebrities have all the stage roles, and give the movie parts to the unknown theatre actors.

Now, a movie might still need a celebrity to attract financing — these days, investors appear to care more about a movie’s cast than audiences do — but let the rest of the parts go to the theatre crowd. Why pay Shia LaBeouf $5 million to appear in “Transformers” when you can get a starving young theatre artist to fight robots for SAG minimum rate? Audiences wouldn’t care. Really. And should those former theatre actors become egomaniacal and expensive, send ‘em back to the stage so they can “work on their craft.”

Now that’s a switcheroo I’d love to see. And by the way, Shia and Megan, when you’re done with robots and ready to hit the stage, I know this great little theatre in Santa Monica…

"This is way too hard! Can we do a play now?"

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"I write business books for a living. What do you do?"

I’m pissed. I just read one of the dullest business books ever — and I’ve read some pretty awful ones, including a few that I think are actually alien invasion plans written in code. You know, like anything written by economist N. Gregory Mankiw. He’s the guy who advised Bush on the economy, and reading one of his books is like chewing a sheet of tin foil. Mankiw’s baffling prose and Earth-inappropriate ideas lead me to suspect that he’s really a Klingon. Though I’m just guessing.

The book I read last night that set me off was called “Strategic Business Forecasting” by Ronald Sugar and Simon Ramo. Now why would I read anything like that if not on assignment or being threatened with waterboarding? Because the damn reviewer said it was witty…

In an L.A. Times article entitled “‘Strategic Business Forecasting’ is Wittier than Its Title,” reviewer Peter Pae claims, “Much of Ramo’s witty writing style is intact, with Sugar providing detailed analysis. Ramo became legendary for capsulizing complex ideas into wry witticism.”

Uh, no.

I didn’t find a trace of wry wit in this book. Indeed, “SBF” is so dry, I’m using it as a dehumidifier. The first half describes how to predict the future with an approach that’s essentially educated guessing. The second half consists of the authors’ predictions, and reads like a collection of undergraduate essays based on Wikipedia articles.

Uh, Peter, did you actually read this book? Really, now, fess up — did you?

Now, I might not have minded “SBF” so much if:

1. I had not expected business insights with a heady dose of levity, like the choice treats cooked up by my idol Dan Neil (also of the L.A. Times); and
2. It had it not cost me $23 and two hours of my time. For that much time and money, I could have gone to see “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and learned how to make hundreds of millions of dollars from a movie based on toys fighting. (Two words: Megan + Fox.)

I needed an antidote.

The antidote to the boring business book.

So I reached to my bookshelf and pulled down my prized hardcover copy of “Syrup” by Max Barry, which was written ten years ago and remains the best novel about marketing ever. Yes, a romantic comedy about marketing. It could only appeal to a geek like me, right?

Well, “Syrup” has also attracted an international readership, and is rumored to be coming out as a movie. And that’s because it’s actually witty — hey, Peter, you might want to read it to learn what “wit” looks like. “Syrup” centers on a young guy in L.A. who wants to be a millionaire through brilliant marketing ideas, including a new brand of Coca-Cola called “Fukk.” (Hence, the title.) “Syrup” also contains my favorite definition of marketing:

“Marketing is the biggest industry in the world, and it’s invisible. It’s the planet’s largest religion, but the billions who worship it don’t know it. It’s vast, insidious and completely corrupt. Marketing is like L.A. It’s like a gorgeous, brainless model in L.A. A gorgeous, brainless model on cocaine having sex drinking Perrier in L.A.”

I first read that as a young guy in L.A. working in marketing while surrounded by gorgeous, brainless models. Well, while wishing I was surrounded by gorgeous, brainless models.

So maybe the book only works for me. And it still does, ten years later. And it certainly works wonders after enduring such witticisms as this from page 108 of “Strategic Business Forecasting”:

“Having predicted the range, we then can examine the possible consequences to the future of our own particular activity at each limit with confidence that we probably have covered the situation, certainly not completely, or maybe not even adequately, but at least somewhat usefully. If either of the two limits were to occur and if we had earlier concluded that we could not survive with one, or worse, with either, then the forecasting process already will have been of some help to us in our management duties because we might have acted earlier to better the future as a result of our prediction attempts.”

Damn Klingons.

***

Related Article: Ivory Towers vs Empty Calories: The Best and Worst of Business Publishing

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

Not my type.

I finally got around to watching the first season of “True Blood” on DVD — yeah, I know,  I’m a total TV slacker — but I survived only four episodes.

“True Blood” begins with an intriguing level of satire that quickly devolves into soap operatics and — even worse — boring stereotypes. Creator Alan Ball cleverly uses vampires to symbolize the coming out of the gay community, but his vampires are clichéd, smug and brooding. Rather than being high-minded immortals espousing centuries of amassed wisdom, they’re self-indulgent fetishists living solely for debauchery. Yawn. If vampires are supposed to represent the gay community, Ball is doing the latter a great disservice. Indeed, with the exception of the leading romantic interest, most of the vampires are hyper-violent dicks, so I actually found myself siding with the bigots: uh, yeah, it’s probably not the best idea to mingle with superpowered creatures hell bent on eating you.

Ironically, for all his attempts to promote open-mindedness, Ball gives Southerners a beating. Most are depicted as dumb lecherous alcoholic hicks whose thoughts are malicious or salacious. The main character is telepathic and can read minds, but being a telepath in Alan Ball’s South is like being a literature major trapped in a room with nothing but supermarket tabloids.

The true South has been the source of great literature, music, cuisine, and a few U.S. Presidents. It would be far more interesting to depict the centuries-old vampires as the true preservationists of Southern high culture, its gentility and passion for the arts. You know, kind of like the gay community in New Orleans. Where is the vampire Tennessee Williams?

Or imagine the possibilities of having the series set on the campus of LSU, with the professors as sagacious blood-suckers — “tenure” would have a far different meaning (“Time for your oral dissertation…”). The vampires would then counterbalance the Bible thumping “conservatives” who say they want to preserve Southern values, but are actually destroying it with their hatred and greed.

But, no, “True Blood” comes across like Ball had read all of Ann Rice’s “Lestat” novels and decided to focus on the naughty bits. If the series gets any better, please let me know, but I’m not willing to sit through more episodes to find out. “True Blood” is not the second coming of “Twin Peaks,” David Lynch’s seminal groundbreaking series that was far scarier and sexier. It’s more “Twilight” blended with “X-Men” and a heavy dash of “Southern Comfort.” There are better cocktails out there that deliver a far bigger buzz.

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

The following is a satirical work of fiction. Those easily offended should surf to safer territory now…

"You ain't seen nothin' yet..."

In the wake of Michael Jackson’s massive, media-saturated funeral, several Hollywood celebrities are reportedly looking into how they can make sure their own forthcoming funerals are as sensational.

“Ohmigod, look at all these people,” said one A-list actress on condition of anonymity. “I mean, I love Michael, still do, but he was a social misfit who sang pop songs, for god’s sake, and he hadn’t had a hit in, like, forever, yet everyone’s treating him like the second coming or something. I should get this much attention when I die, if not more.”

Other observers noted in more objective terms that Michael Jackson’s funeral was larger and more star-studded than the funeral of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan, as well as those of other politicians and celebrities.

Sensing a commercial opportunity, Hollywood entrepreneurs are leaping into the celebrity funeral business. Prominent party-planner and entertainment publicist Diana Largo has launched a company devoted to producing celebrity funerals on the scale of the Super Bowl. “I call the company Di-Large,” said Largo. “And I’ll cover all the details, from booking public arenas, to lining up Grammy-winning singers. I’ve already received several calls from actors, professional athletes, billionaire businessmen, a North Korean dictator, and some woman from Alaska — but I could barely understand what she was saying. All of them want to start planning now while they still have the money and ability to call the shots. I’m gonna make a mint off hair styling and make-up alone. You know what HD does to a corpse?”

One Silicon Valley-based Web 2.0 startup is also getting in on the post-mortem action. Said the entrepreneur, who only gave his initials as M.Z., “Hell, I’ll do it all for free and make money on the advertising. I’ve already got a major beer company lined up to sponsor a celebrity funeral not related to DUI. Get this: in order to attend, fans have to ‘friend’ the celebrity while he’s still alive. Trust me, that’s worth a lot to some of these guys.”

In related news, CNN has changed its name to “Celebrity Necrophilia Network,” and has signed deals with all the major talent agencies for the exclusive broadcast rights to their client funerals.

by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

File under “What the Hell Were They Thinking?!”

A few days ago, Microsoft leaked a new ad for Internet Explorer 8 — though I’m not sure if “leaked” is the right verb for it. More like spilled, yakked up, upchucked, and Technicolor yawned it. The ad is nicknamed “OMGIGP,” which stands for “Oh My God I’m Gonna Puke.” Really. No kidding. And it actually has a woman vomiting in it. Think I’m jesting? Watch for yourself — if you can…(WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF GUT.)

No that’s not a Saturday Night Live sketch. That’s really a Microsoft ad featuring Dean Cain. I guess Jerry Seinfeld was on vacation. And so, too, were Microsoft’s brand watchdogs.

After an initial, um, gusher of disapproval from bloggers and consumers, Microsoft has yanked the ad — though it lives on at YouTube. For now. By the time you read this article, it may already be gone.

But sorry, Redmond, the damage is done. Yes, it went viral. Congrats. You are buzz marketing geniuses, since this ad is literally all over the place. When you’re losing ground in the browser wars, desperate measures might be necessary. But if that’s the image you want implanted in the minds of consumers regarding your new web browser, I think I’ll stick to Firefox.

P.S. Then again, some people might prefer that ad to the free Nickelback song offer that Microsoft is also using to promote IE8.

P.P.S. My friend Maryam (who first alerted me about the spot) notes that if Microsoft had made this same ad using “Family Guy” cartoon characters, “they would have gotten away with it.” Indeed, that would have been brilliant! A tie-in with that show would have made Microsoft kinda sorta even a little bit hip maybe.

Related article: Welcome to the Microsoft Store! Are you sure you want to enter? Are you sure? Are you sure?

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Shameless plug: For advertising that won’t make you gag, contact Atomic Tango…