by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC
The following is a satirical work of fiction. Those easily offended should surf to safer territory now…
"You ain't seen nothin' yet..."
In the wake of Michael Jackson’s massive, media-saturated funeral, several Hollywood celebrities are reportedly looking into how they can make sure their own forthcoming funerals are as sensational.
“Ohmigod, look at all these people,” said one A-list actress on condition of anonymity. “I mean, I love Michael, still do, but he was a social misfit who sang pop songs, for god’s sake, and he hadn’t had a hit in, like, forever, yet everyone’s treating him like the second coming or something. I should get this much attention when I die, if not more.”
Other observers noted in more objective terms that Michael Jackson’s funeral was larger and more star-studded than the funeral of former U.S. President Ronald Reagan, as well as those of other politicians and celebrities.
Sensing a commercial opportunity, Hollywood entrepreneurs are leaping into the celebrity funeral business. Prominent party-planner and entertainment publicist Diana Largo has launched a company devoted to producing celebrity funerals on the scale of the Super Bowl. “I call the company Di-Large,” said Largo. “And I’ll cover all the details, from booking public arenas, to lining up Grammy-winning singers. I’ve already received several calls from actors, professional athletes, billionaire businessmen, a North Korean dictator, and some woman from Alaska — but I could barely understand what she was saying. All of them want to start planning now while they still have the money and ability to call the shots. I’m gonna make a mint off hair styling and make-up alone. You know what HD does to a corpse?”
One Silicon Valley-based Web 2.0 startup is also getting in on the post-mortem action. Said the entrepreneur, who only gave his initials as M.Z., “Hell, I’ll do it all for free and make money on the advertising. I’ve already got a major beer company lined up to sponsor a celebrity funeral not related to DUI. Get this: in order to attend, fans have to ‘friend’ the celebrity while he’s still alive. Trust me, that’s worth a lot to some of these guys.”
In related news, CNN has changed its name to “Celebrity Necrophilia Network,” and has signed deals with all the major talent agencies for the exclusive broadcast rights to their client funerals.
really. when did everyone forget he’s a pedophile. i know i know, the victims made it all up and he’s rich and famous and so therefore it doesn’t matter what rules he’s broken, right? come on people, this is mass marketing at it’s worst and as far as i#m concerned…all those people crying for him on their facebook pages are fools. harsh but really, pedophile people, not someone who was convicted of drunk driving…someone who admitted to sleeping with children.