by Freddy J. Nager, Founder & Fusion Director, Atomic Tango LLC

"My darling, I may be a lowly postal employee, but I do have government-run health insurance..." "Then shut up and kiss me, you fool!"

“Words are the worst thing ever. I’d prefer a drunkard at the bar touching your bum to someone who says ‘Your smile flies like a butterfly.’” — Grandmother Donna Rosa in “Il Postino”

Twenty-five years ago, the film “Il Postino” captivated American audiences with its sun-drenched tale of Italian romance, the collision of poetry and politics, and the seductive powers of metaphors. Yes, metaphors — or as the lead character Mario exclaims, “Metafore!”

Then we come to this side of the Atlantic, where we Yanks cast subtlety aside, and our metaphors and similes take a much more colorful turn…

For example, as a fan of noir fiction, I like my figurative language contrived and a little purple, like this Raymond Chandler quote that I use to kick-off my blog:

“Common sense is the little man in a gray suit who never makes a mistake at addition, but it’s always someone else’s money he’s adding up.”

I also dig Tom Robbins’ playful approach to the lingo. Here’s how he describes banana Popsicles in his novel Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas:

“Melting, they will perfume the neighborhood like one giant Harry Belafonte belch…”

Then there’s my favorite automotive/advertising writer Dan Neil:

“…everything Chrysler makes besides the Ram truck constitutes a rainbow of awful.”

Take that, Italianos! We dare you to be that metaphoric and witty at the same time!

Then It Gets Ugly: The Health Care Debate

Unfortunately, our politicians also like to make contrived comparisons. Here’s Congressman John Boehner:

“If you like going to the DMV and think they do a great job or you like going to the post office and think it’s the most efficient thing you’ve run into, then you’ll love the government run health care system.”

(BTW, Jon Stewart countered, “If you like the military protecting the country or doctors helping veterans, you’ll love this new government plan. By the way, why are you bagging on the post office? For forty-four cents, someone comes to your house, picks up some piece of crap you wrote and takes it to Wyoming on a plane…”)

Boehner’s fellow Neanderthal, Sen. Mitch McConnell, also pulled the DMV trick, saying that Americans…

“don’t want the people who brought us the Department of Motor Vehicles making life-and-death decisions for them.”

Well, first of all, Mitch, you don’t speak for me. That said, why pick on the DMV? Because they make you wait in line? What, you’ve never had to wait weeks to get a doctor’s appointment or sit an hour in a waiting room full of sick people until they call you?

Oh, of course you don’t, because your health coverage is (drum roll please) provided by the government.

And hey, comrades, as long as you’re picking on government-run institutions, why not pick on, oh, say, the fire department? After all, they’re actually in the business of saving lives, and are often the first on the scene when someone calls 911 for a health emergency. Can you imagine if our health care system were run by the same people who bring you the fire department?

Come to think of it, why not privatize your neighborhood fire departments? Sure, you could put the benevolent loving folks at WellPoint or Health Net in charge. That way, if your houses ever catch fire, they can drop your protection coverage mid-burn because you forgot to mention your pre-existing weeds in your lawn. Or maybe they’ll just deny you coverage up front because, well, you once lit a candle on a birthday cake without a fire extinguisher present.

In other words, there are other words.

We can sling metaphors and similes back and forth for the rest of eternity. You scare your base with your figures of speech, and I’ll scare my base — well, my two readers — with my figures. It’s all just a framing trick practiced every day by us marketers.

Here’s what I suggest: when it comes to something life-or-death like health care, let’s stick to the facts and leave the colorful descriptions to Italian lovers and the Governor of South Carolina…

“I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light…”

Or maybe just to the Italians.

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