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INT. DINING ROOM – MORNING: HANK PAULSON and his teenage daughter PRINCESS are having breakfast. We can’t see his face because he’s reading the Financial Times, chuckling to himself. She’s toying around with her half-eaten Froot Loops in a fine china bowl…
PRINCESS: Daddy?
HANK: Yes, Princess?
PRINCESS: Some friends and I are going to the movies this afternoon, and I was hoping you could give me some money…
Hank lowers his newspaper.
HANK: You need money? Don’t you have credit cards?
PRINCESS: They’re maxed out, and my cash flow is a little low, and everything else is locked up in my trust fund…
HANK: Ah, liquidity problems. I get it. So how much do you need?
PRINCESS: Well, I was hoping you could give me maybe twenty bucks?
HANK: TWENTY DOLLARS?!
PRINCESS: I’ll take ten…
HANK: Haven’t you learned anything that I’ve taught you?!
PRINCESS: Well, ummm…
HANK: Princess, what’s the first rule of asking for money?
PRINCESS: You say “please”?
HANK: Obviously, you weren’t paying attention when we discussed this.
PRINCESS: Sorry…
HANK: In REVIEW, the first rule of asking for money is to make sure you ask for a lot.
PRINCESS: So twenty bucks isn’t a lot?
HANK: Think…
PRINCESS: A hundred?
HANK: Higher.
PRINCESS: Two hundred?
HANK: Princess, if you ask for such small amounts, no one will take you seriously, and their esteem for you will diminish on the spot.
PRINCESS: So how much should I ask for?
HANK: Seven million.
PRINCESS: Seven million dollars?
HANK: At least.
PRINCESS: But, Daddy, I’m just going to the movies with my friends…
HANK: No, dear, you’re embarking upon a media venture with some partners. The first rule of asking for money — Corollary 1.A — is that you make your proposition sound as important as possible. You got that?
PRINCESS: Yeah –
HANK: Say “yes,” never “yeah.”
PRINCESS: Yes, Daddy. But won’t the person who’s giving me the money want to know exactly what I’m gonna spend it on?
HANK: Don’t tell them.
PRINCESS: What if they ask?
HANK: Princess, those are your trade secrets, and revealing those secrets to anyone beyond mission-critical personnel on a need-to-know basis would risk having proprietary knowledge leaked to competitors.
PRINCESS: Oh, right. And I remember this part — if I spend all the money, I just tell the guy that my venture’s burn rate has reached optimum efficiency and that I’ll be needing additional funding to take the enterprise to the next level.
HANK: That’s my girl! But don’t forget the most important part…
PRINCESS: Oh shit — I mean, shoot, I forgot…
HANK: Urgency, Princess, urgency! Tell him that if you don’t secure that additional funding immediately, the ability to maintain operations would be jeopardized, and that any cessation of business would generate a ripple effect that could bring down his other businesses.
PRINCESS: Right! That way he thinks he’s gotta save not only my company but his entire portfolio!
HANK: Exactly! And what does that make him?
PRINCESS: A sucker!
HANK: No, dear, an investor.
PRINCESS: Ah, right. So, Daddy, will you give me — I mean, how would you like to invest seven millions dollars in my media venture? This opportunity has a very limited window and is being offered only to select high net-worth individuals looking for maximum ROI in minimum time.
HANK: Oh hell no. What do you take me for? Here’s five bucks. Get the rest from your mother.
Princess rolls her eyes and stomps off. Hank goes back to reading his paper and chuckling.
$$$
Update 12/22/2008: Now YouTubed…
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Sad but true. If only more investors would say “Here’s five bucks” instead of over funding.
that was funny… because it’s true! thanks.
I enjoyed reading this piece of converstation. Its really interesting to see how we come to handle investors, for me atleast. Hyping is the way to go! Indeed, asking for more is always better than asking for less.